Thursday, January 06, 2005

2004 - a mixed bag of "delights"

A new year and lots to took forward to. I'm going to start the year by reviewing the last one - good and bad points. OK, let's go.

The good:

1. A big number one this: I'm still married to a wonderful woman despite real fears that we were going to split over the 'Joanne' affair earlier. Lynn still loves me (which I'm surprised about) and one of my new year's rezzies is to try and reciprocate this.

2. The realisation that despite going through our min-hell this year, I am still loved by Lynn and I've picked a woman with more guts and determination than I think I'd have had. I know I said to her that she'd get one strike and that I'd get none at an 'affair' (if you call it that) but I'm not 100 percent sure I'd have kept my side of the bargain had it been her getting emotionally involved with someone. So I'm twice blessed in that 1) she didn't separate from me, despite saying that this would be inevitable should it happen, and 2) that she equalled my deal to her - a deal which said "to err is to be human, but you only get to err once". On Aug 22 I really expected to be looking for a new place to live - alone.


3 Travelled to some interesting places - New York, LA, Brussels and of course, Bognor. Hmm, maybe I should leave out Bog? If only there was more time on our holiday allowances, we'd have done more I'm sure. Not money, alas, but time was the issue here.

4 I haven't had the breakdown yet, which again, surprises me as most of these year has been stressful for many reasons - moving house (or not), moving to Ireland (or not), my rather complicated emotions regarding remaining married and where Joanne fits it (or doesn't). Crikey, get me off this roller-coaster.

5 Still solvent and no financial worries or debt to worry about. In a nation where the average personal debt is over five grand per person, excluding mortgages, this is quite an achievement.

6 Joining the café was one of the best things I've done this year. Lots of new online friends all with different perspectives on this thing called life and some interesting people, particularly Tracey K, Gail, Beth, Roger and 'Blindo himself".

7 Watching my stepdaughter mature into a lovely woman. She has so much potential, and no matter what she does with her life it'll be with gusto. I'm hugely, massively proud of her and one of the more upsetting events was to tell her that her stepdad was not all he cracked himself up to be. I feel I've lost major credibility points here. I hope she does not see me as a huge let down, though it would hardly surprise me if that's just how she sees me now.

8 I stopped smoking for five months - then started again. Patches nurse!

9 This sounds contradictory bearing in mind 1 and 2, but I'm really glad I met Jo. Think what you want about her, but she was, and I hope still is, a lovely woman with a lot going on in her favour. She gave me time and a deeply intelligent attention I've rarely had from anyone. I wish her the best in life and even now, miss her companionship immensely - if it weren't so poisonous to me and Lynn I'd have loved to stayed friends with her for years to come. It's a long way from London to New York, but for a short while, it was though I'd found my perfect soul-mate; someone who had real empathy for me. A word she liked was 'connected' and that's just how it was between us. Then I went a spoilt it for everyone by caring for her more than a married man ought. I feel inordinately guilty about what happened, as I really never intended it to go the way it did back in April.

10 I finished my first long story "Cables" , which I'm very pleased with generally. It's not perfect, and there are some definite rough spots, but it's not bad. Joanne helped a lot here, and unfortunately I can't think of the story without thinking of her as they are so inter-twined, in fact, I don't think I'm creating undue hyperbole by saying that it turned out being a bit of a love-letter to her. Without Jo's criticism though, it would never have been as good as it ended up being and no matter what, I have a lot to thank her for just for helping me cross this huge psychological barrier I'd not until then penetrated.

11 Doing the play was both therapeutic and a good giggle where many nice people were met - if only for a brief while. Angus and Corrie would not have met had it not been for this play, and they are going on great guns now. So some good has come out of it. But the theme of 'No Exit' was rather too damn parallel to my life for comfort. You can't beat the feeling of playing in front of an audience. I'm such an old showoff really.

12 I start my creative writing course this evening for the next 13 weeks. Please please please, let this be a possible means of exit from my current means of raising cash.

The bad:


1 My feelings are still in an absolute mess despite trying to kid myself and others that they are sorted. There are too many 'what ifs' re Joanne that I can't answer and so I'm left with a large dot dot dot at the end of the sentence. Thinking about these for too long makes me want to bawl my eyes out and bang my head against a brick wall. Look, it's finished and I about we'll ever cross paths again, but part of me wonders what would have happened. It's an indulgence, but one I can't seem to shake off when my brain goes down this road.

2 Where were you God when I needed you? That's all that's needed to be said. Losing my religion is only the start of this rocky road - one with no exit or no way or doing a U-turn. The theme of this year seems to have been how very much alone we are: and you, God, have not exactly helped me think differently by not answering my prayers, and despite beseeching your advice very early on, two lovely people, plus myself, have been hurt. Yup, us three are responsible for this mess ultimately, but you, during the one and only time I've needed you - cried out literally for you in fact - given me some decent pointers. Abandoned? Angry? Me? You bet.

3 Still doing the same shitty job. Will be doing it till I'm dead.

4 Haven't moved house - too demotivated to start - and that's both of us, not just me.

5 Realising that my friends really aren't that useful during times of crisis. Andy T being the exception, in fact the only person who asked what was up. Both Lynn and me are inordinately private people but it would have been nice to have someone clued up enough to spot the fact that things had gone pretty pear shaped - and that their help and feck it, discretion, would have been entirely useful. Or maybe this is a back handed compliment at Lynn and myself for being such good actors. Perhaps they didn't notice because we are so convincing at making people believe that everything is cool

6 Have this feeling that my chances have all dried up. Too old, too fat, too greedy, too complacent to make my own. Wish I were ten years younger, if only to regain that energy I once had. My brain is fogged and my energy level is nil.

So f**king great innit?

Surprisingly, there are more good than bad points. This year can only get better for me. Since I can't say I believe in a God who seems to have been taking a shower at the time I was heading towards nutsville, I can only ask you, dear reader, to wish me luck and hope for 2005.

For those of you who've found this: happy New Year to you all.

Adam, AKA DaggersDukc