(26th November 2004 but delayed due to technical aggro with broadband)
It's been a dismal couple of weeks for the Daggersdukc psyche. It's so
Bad I couldn't even write last Friday, my usual blog-day. Yet another thing
packed up yesterday, this time it was my glasses which went 'ping' during
the middle of the afternoon for no apparent reason leaving the left arm
hanging by a thread. Now I have to resort to a really grotty spare set
until either the opty can fix them or I buy another pair (there goes another 300
quid!).
I really must do something about my job. I worked out that a lot of what
is making me feel down, apart from my yearly bout of SAD, thoughts of Joanne
which still pervade after 3 months, and the fact that it's Christmas
nearly, and I'm woefully unprepared - same story year after year there,
It’s my job and sense of total, utter powerlessness it brings. OK, help me out
here: there are a number of reasons why I should keep my job and some
that a quite persuasive in making me want to leave:
So let's start with the good:
1) I am working within my comfort zone. The job lacks any challenge but
then again it's one I can do and pays a reasonable salary unless I
seriously retrain and therefore lose money for a year or more doing so.
2) I get to work two days a week from home, which means no commute. This
is generally a good thing as anyone who uses the tube on a daily basis will
confirm, unless they enjoy bouts of masochism.
3) Having a boss who knows that leaving his staff to get on with their job
is the way to go - providing his staff are competent at doing it, which I
am.
OK, I could only come up with three goodies. Not much compared to this
lot:
1) I've done it for five years now and I'm permanently bored and my brain
feels as it hasn't had a challenge in quite a while.
2) It's not a job that brings any tangible results. You know, a coal
miner digs coal and can see the results of his work by the number of wagons
taking it away. Even sales staff get to celebrate their successes, and this is a
job I myself would not care much to do. I can't believe I feel envious
towards sales staff.
3) No recognition or thanks or any acknowledgement that I exist. The only
time I get any recognition is the rare times when I screw up.
4) My colleagues are typical techie types who aren't the life and soul of
the party. This is unfortunately par for the course as to do the work we
do, we do need concentration space and time. But I need a laugh now and
then and the only humour in the office is of the cynical type. Funny
undoubtedly, but healthy it is not.
5) Although I work from home and I generally like it, I do get terribly
lonely during the day with only myself to talk to or Jon Gaunt to yell at.
This loneliness was one of the reasons I started liaising with Joanne in
the first place and I don't entirely blame myself for doing so. Everyone
needs and deserves company. Unfortunately for all three of us my feelings
towards her got totally out of control.and despite having to end our friendship
for obvious reasons, I still miss her. Sometimes it hits me quite hard at
times I least expect it. I can't play Fountains of Wayne now without
associating their music with her for example and this is a shame as its Interstate
Managers was one of my favourite CDs. London seems to be New York
Obsessed at the moment and I get a real pang of something approaching jealousy and sadness when I think of her there. And frig it, there's a travel reporter on my radio station of choice who has a very similar name to Joanne's real one. Anyway, I'm truly drifting away from the subject at hand.
6) What I actually do doesn't seem to determine the result is. If you work
hard in life, you should get a result to show for it. Not in my job: for
example, I set up a mailing to run from 11 this morning. At 4pm, the
server needed to be rebooted. A day's work wasted.
7) Neasden, the place we were transplanted to from the West End three years
ago is the most depressing part of London. What can I say that's good?
about it? Not a thing. No shops even. Not even somewhere to eat. We have our sandwiches delivered by van at 11 each morning. In one of the world's
most cosmopolitan cities, this strikes me as being just totally sad. It's a
place for losers so I feel like I am one. At least Lynn has got a
Morrisons within walking distance of her workplace and the West End shops are a few minutes by tube. Not for me, it's a half-hour slog back into London.
After spending a good chunk of my day going right through the middle, I can't
really be bothered to head back to the happening zone for a brief half
hour' s lunchbreak before having to return.
So then, what would you do?
Not connected with this at all is that my friend Angus has just started to
date a lovely woman called Corie. Good luck to them. They are both nice
People and they are both music geeks in the extreme. Corie has a 14 year
old girl so this could be the determining factor on whether it works or
not. Obviously Angus and Corie have to get on (which they seem to be doing
nicely) but I know that had I not got on with Lynn's daughter it would
Has been that much harder for me and her mother to have become as serious as we did. But for the time being, I look forward to many foursomes eating at
the venerable restaurants of Kilburn.
It's Lynn's birthday tomorrow and I haven't even got her a present. Oh
darn.
Moozik: None - our hi-fi has been transplanted to another part of the room
and is yet to be re-wired. New flat screen telly to be connected to it.
I suppose if you count downloads I've been listening to Das Ich and the
Beautiful South, quite a contrary combination.
Books: The state of my hopelessness is symbolised by my lack of interest
In reading. I completed the Handmaid's Tale last night on the train. It's
downbeat nature only enhanced my mood of grimness. I'll have to
rejuvenate the BookCourier, an electronic reading device I have about the same size as a fag packet. At least I can then just drift off if I don't like the
story.
Mood: Looking forward to seeing Lynn after her being away at a mate's last night. Missed her lots and can't wait for some hugs.
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