The single reason why Communism failed

There are of course places in the world where communism survives. However, let's accept that in most former communist places in the world - the Soviet bloc and Balkans for example, Communism has been replaced by the most ruthless capitalism. Often because that's what the vast majority of people wanted it seems. Or perhaps not, you'll have to speak to some Chinese and South Americans to really get the facts because to be quite frank, despite my claims of being a wise knowing sorta fella, I don't know jack about the world. I kid you not.

Perhaps people said a cheerful goodbye and bid a sunny hello to capitalism, because the food was so shit. Russian food being a case in point, or at least most of it (Georgia and Armenia I know are a bit exceptional here, but then they were never "Russian" were they?) And what about China and its culinary delights. Maybe on a dodgy ground here?

A woman who lived through soviet style Communism, in former Yugoslavia, and sorry, for her name I have forgotten, once wrote, only semi-jokingly, in her excellent book "How We Survived Communism and Even Laughed" that communism failed because despite its lofty aims (some of which I'd even agree with myself) and high ideals, the Soviet version at least could not bring itself to admit that women exist. I'm not talking about equal pay and the right to be exploited by a particular boss - when it came to equality there, Communism was colour and sex blind - but that it couldn't even produce tampons that could be described remotely as on a regular basis. Such as, you know, the 28 day cycle, what most women go through for at least half their lives. Blood catchers. Sort of necessary wouldn't you think? And when the Yugoslavian state saw fir to bring them (more likely, when a shipment was sent in from which ever factory in Poland or Latvia produced them) they were spectacularly uncomfortable by her account. They were called 'Gull' I believe and had a wee bird as their mascot.

Her theory, interesting and left field as it is, is in fact wrong.

The reason communism failed was because of the quality of its biscuits. Take the packet below for example, which I bought in an Eastern European supermarket in North Woolwich expecting the kind of pleasant - or at the very least, interesting - surprise you get from eating, say Hungarian or Polish confectionery. I'm presuming these are an adaptation, though only in packaging, of a type made when Communism in Latvia was at its peak because there is no reason any sane person would want to eat them other than for nostalgia's sake in the same sense that Russians still eat Doctor's Sausage, a grim reminder of previous times and ate for the same reasons some old codgers here still like tripe and onion sandwiches. Back then, the packet might have contained the world "Biscuits" and the paper may have been bogroll, and that cute little doggy would have been in a commercial artist's baby dreams only. But what makes that biscuit what it is today, the essence of the biscuit, lives on in 2006.

These biscuits are awful. Mine were stale. While I agree that this is possibly because Latvia is a long way from Woolwich, it isn't that far. Its only a bit further than Finland, and the Finns make Fazer chocolate which is both fresh and tasty. The packaging on these biscuits is wimpy to say the least. Positively see-through in patches. I'm only kidding, but it is rather cruddy. Then there's the taste. Whereas a boring biscuit made in the UK, of which there are plenty, but let's say for example, a Rich tea biscuit, has a mildly satisfying taste of burnt vanilla, these taste of precisely nothing. A few people I tried it on said they could detect coconut, but i think they were only trying to wind me up. Coconut schmoconut. And there are the little gritty things which could easily be birdseed, bu minus the nutritional value. What are they? I don't know, I don't understand Latvian and there isn't an English translation on the packet. isn't this illegal?

I'm going to give these biccies zero out of ten. I can't think of one single reason why you'd eat them. Even if you were a desperately homesick Latvian I'd really rather eat dogshit than these. Then throw myself onto the M4 from a high bridge. And the cartoon dog on the pack, you may note, is in fact about to scoff one for himself and with those gritty bits riding down his alimentary canal at the speed of a French train, he should be producing some really fine shits soon afterwards. These should really be filed with the dog biscuits and passed as unfit for human consumption. Only thing is, dog food must be fit for human consumption and in my opinion, these aren't.

They are exactly how the packet describes them. Poopoo.